SNAKE OIL

April 29, 2008. In another of his famously informative press conferences, President George W. Bush chose to take on the nation’s long-brewing energy crisis. First, he identified the problem: Congress. Then, he laid out a sweeping solution: Let’s drill in ANWR!

Now, I don’t get to the movies too often, but I think it’s safe to say this guy’s more oil-obsessed than Daniel Day Lewis. Consider him a modern-day Ponce de Leon, and that thick crude beneath the Alaskan animal reserve the nation’s fountain of youth. The man has been on this quest for years.

Alaskan oil is the snake oil of the Bush Administration. The cure for all that ails us:

Problem: Unemployment
Solution: Create jobs by drilling in ANWR

Problem: Skyrocketing National Debt
Solution: Increase revenue by drilling in ANWR

Problem: Middle East Turbulence
Solution: Become less dependent of foreign oil by drilling in ANWR

Problem: Terrorism/Extremism/Ill-Fitting Shoes
Solution: You get the idea

Napless nights and dog-tired days? A little dab of patented ANWR Oil behind each ear before bed ensures a restful slumber. ANWR Oil is "gar-ON-teed" to cure whiplash, warts, boils n' bunions, STDs and doggie’s fleas. ANWR Oil, the all-in-one salve for any American man or beast. Let's start drillin' today!