In a rigid two-party system that often sounds more like a one-party system, it’s fairly easy for any red or blue-blooded American to become disaffected. The question often being, do I waste my vote on that overly conservative Democrat or that too damn liberal Republican? Either way, the result is often the same. Over and over again, we simply pass our national hand basket to a different satanic steward. If you remember your mythology, the divergent rivers of Acheron and Cocytus both lead to the same dreary place.
So here we are, better than halfway across the Styx, and it’s hard to imagine a third party hero emerging with the power to turn our boat around. With the shores of Hades fast approaching, the best we reluctant voyagers can hope for is a splinter in the oarsman’s hand.
Allow me to introduce those splinters, or as they’re known by their political brand, the Fuzzbusters. Like the radar-detecting devices that give them their name, a Fuzzbuster’s sole role in politics is sticking it to the Man. The Man, of course, is the money-backed, power-mad amalgam of "Republicrats" and "Demoblicans" that has plagued politics ever since the death of the Whigs. It’s gotten worse of late, as the corrosive pigswill of dynastic politics has muddied the political waters even further. Fuzzbusters represent a wider spectrum of voices, which is precisely why the Man usually calls them “the lunatic fringe.” To be fair, a lot of Fuzzbusters are indeed lunatics. But I’ll let you make the call as to who fits that bill on a list of names that includes everyone from Pat Buchanan to Ralph Nadar, Ross Perot to William Jennings Bryan, George Wallace to Eugene V. Debs.And this year, there’s lefty-loosey Dennis Kucinich and righty-tighty Ron Paul, each looking to become the Fuzzbustinest Commander in Chief in ages. If Obama and Huckabee are the Preachermen of established religion, these two are the cult leaders. Both of them are men of ideas and conviction. And both of them would be written off as slobbering madmen if your only source of information is the TV news. Still, their crowd of supporters sees them as soothsayers, wise men to follow to the ends of the earth if need be. They might very well have to, because neither of them will ever be the President of this U.S. of A.
A Fuzzbuster has captured this country’s top job only once, and then only by the accident of an assassin’s bullet. Both Democrats and Republicans were shocked when Theodore Roosevelt grabbed the reigns. And his “Square Deal” was fair and square for everybody save big business suits and their political pocket men. TR was massively popular with the workaday stiffs, the daybreak-to-back break types who fueled the nation’s booming economy but took home less than one red cent per dollar of the fortunes they created. So in nineteen aught four, despite the best efforts of the swindlers and their swine-hearted politico pals, Roosevelt won by a landslide, and he used his mandate to further clean the house.
But by 1912, corrupt businessmen and corrupt pols alike had a whole administration-length to lick their wounds. And when big Teddy ran as a Bull Moose that year, he got beaten by the last of the racist, old-world Democrats. From that point forward, there has always been enough money and power to stop a Fuzzbuster before they ever truly get started.
So, as I said before, here we are again...back in the same bloody boat and floating ever closer to the Underworld. And again, there’s a pair of Fuzzbusters ready to take your vote should you choose to give it. You’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. It's normal to want a few new ideas to be injected into the national dialogue, and a vote is a clear indication of support. But voting for a Fuzzbuster is like burning your ballot in protest. Because, precisely like those radar-detectors that gave them their name, the Fuzzbusters cost a lot (in time and money) and they just don’t work. In the post-TR world, they speak loudly and they carry a very small stick. If you’re looking for a hero, brush up on your mythology…or buy a comic book. Because this ship has long since sailed.
My advice: Vote Spiderman
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